U don't have to tell me what happened, iie already know..

Y Wednesday, September 19, 2007

Obviously, iie cant write one whole week cos cant remember.. -.- maybe start from this Monday? =.=

Monday

This morning, after going into the car, iie wanted to put my bag in the middle of the back seats.. iie was just telling my mum that when she put her wadeva document there, and she soo insulted me with this word "_____" iie actually dun wanna say cos iie was dam pissed off.. then my mum keep saying the problem with me.. iie nearly cried and had many flashbacks of wad happened to me when iie was young.. iie looked out the window.. trying to ignore her.

What's wrong with me? I don't get it, i'm kinda anti-social, yeah.. iie know. But that doesn't prove i'm all that bad! Cos my mum oso like that, but iie thought again and again.. what if .. in some stupid way, she's right? iie sighed as iie got off the car and walked to my classroom..

On my way back home, iie met Wan yu, my neighbour.. iie told her everything that happened this morning.. she tried cheering me up.. iie also asked her if starting a band was a good idea. She then told me her tuition friend oso in a band, and they went to many competitions.. blabla.. but somehow, the minute iie think of forming.. singing.. with my friends in the band.. iie feel iie have lack of confidence.. and wad's more, iie still have "pressure" of taking this year's guzheng grade 7.. pleaaase!! if anyone is reading this, do NOT tell my parents about this.. i'm really afraid iie might just hurt my mum's feelings after telling my dad abt forming a band kinda thing.. iie saw his expression.. He was reading newspaper, yeah.. so iie really cant tell.. but iie can feel he's disappointed.. " after learning so long of guzheng, u dun wanna take the grade 7?? " really, if iie was him, that's what my mind would be thinking.. iie completely lost interest in guzheng le.. iie feel like i'm backstabbing my guzheng buddies.. really sorry.. maybe i'm just not the type who likes chinese music..

After hearings classical songs of piano, iie probably liked it much more than anything..! singing too.. but the bes thing iie love to do, is to compose songs. never chinese.. ><" too bad at it.. sigh.. everytime iie think of it, the more i'm scared to tell this matter to my mum.. she once said this, "Aiya, u lost interest in ur guzheng oredi la.." then she sulked SUMMORE!! then iie.. ARGH!! REALLY WHY DO IIE HAVE TO HANDLE THIS HUGE MATTER?! okay, iie gotta admit, this is just a small matter to u guys.. but, if u're me, it's time to make the right decision.. what should iie do?

sighs.

Tuesday

There's something more troubling than wad had happened ytd.. read on more about today..

Oh yeah, iie forgot to say.. ytd Ms Chua told us that there was this thing to learn about the jobs they have blablabla.. something like that.. +_+ Then later, there are three high security places. one is abt the Youth Flying Air force.. and so on.. , police thingy abd microsoft thingy.. then another one oso have.. pottery... then later, cos iie was really eager to find out wad people do.. Air force that one.. so.. Ms Chua gave a suggestion to all of us who wan whichever one.. draw lots.. many pupils put for Air Force.. that one oni 4 people can go..police.. few people too.. microsoft... not sure..pottery.. iie think marisa and francine.. Then iie was one of the Air Force thing.. then iie saw so many people.. iie lost faith in myself that iie sure won't be chosen by Ms Chua de.. first three numbers all called out.. last one.. iie was anxious.. yet down, cos if iie din get in, i'd really be disappointed.. last number.. 6!! iie was like.. is this just luck or wad?!?! iie ran to the front to take the form.. YAY!! so happy..

Later at home, iie checked something in my file, like so called "history" file.. iie ben lai wanna see something oni hor.. iie go see everything in the file.. =.= as iie read and read.. iie got a shock.. last time, iie know iie had fits.. but.. major?!?! and if i'm not wrong.. 3 times!! it occured to me.. not only did iie have fits last time, iie ahd mumps.. x.x yuck.. iie dun even know what's that.. LOL! but sounds like diguisting stuff.. *pukes* and oso some difficulty breathing..no chickenpox.. iie flipped and flipped, still.. NO CHICKENPOX! iie was very afriad iie might zunzun get it on PSLE day.. iie can DIE okay.. Feeling extremely.. kinda.. pissed off.. iie read many incidents , my parents typed and printed out.. iie nearly died of shock la! iie later saw my kindergarten records.. iie quickly flipped to the music section.. all just 'good' and not 'excellent' .. why?? that's how, now and everyday, iie get more and more pressure about this.

Why of all people me? Why do iie have to suffer this kinda things in life? is it passed down by my parents? iie have many questions.. yet to be answered.. until today, i'd probably have millions of questions which iie cant possible write it all out.. cos waste time.. and cant remember that much.. some were forgotten.. but it was brought back to me when same incidents happen again. Is it becos less events like these happened to my sis than me that made my mum like my sis more? is it just becos my sis's marks is better than mine? studies? wad's wrong? iie have not guts to ask at all.. probably cos ii'm not an open person.. so my parents. I may sound weird but.. iie feel taht i've kept all this questions in me too long.. iie should write it all out.. sometimes iie really feel like slapping myself as iie sometimes have the thought if, my mum, was really.. my mum! Of cos this is very.. like.. u might find me so not filial to my mum.. think twice, put ursef in my shoes.. wad would u do? I tried praying to God.. sharing with him my feelings, what would he do, teach me.. wad should iie do..? ha.. iie say like my parents have no good points at all.. yes, they have. but when talking to my mum, i'm having much more problems than talking to my dad... don't know why, but sometimes iie blame myself for acting dumb and wad so ever.

iie wonder if this is related to any genes.. iie should just shut up about this.. huh? Sometimes, iie feel timid.. sometimes, iie feel ignored.. forlone.. sad.. elated.. devastated.. wad else? iie seldom have family quality with my family.. my mum works late, my dad works in the morning and comes back around 10+ or 11+ pm becos of this.. guess.. this explains my mum doesn't understand me.. iie admit, iie don't trust many friends. sometimes, iie don't trust best friends either.. see.. iie don't really like having friends.. cos.. friend oredi, quarrell, dowan friend le.. then leii? say sorry, friend again.. same thing happen.. again and again.. and dowan friend.. when is this cycle gonna stop? iie sometimes ask myself why are friends not very understanding? iie don't like it. they either heck care it.. or just .. take it lightly.. they're all about jokes! why aren't they serious at all? Do they understand friendship? iie pray real hard.. that they will.. Know what iie hate the most? three things : When people try to disturb me when i'm doing something.. impatient people.. and last of all.. people who just.. tease other people of HOW THEY LOOK! iie sound like people saying me, huh..

Today..

iie stared into space at night during studying time.. for a couple of minutes.. maybe ii'm not cut out to handle this stuff.. maybe iie gotta learn how to relax.. tolerate more.. suffer more.. besides, iie still don't know how hard it will be next time.. iie gotta learn..

Spacing out..

Follow ur heart, ur instincts would tell euu wad to do .♥

8:12 AM